Streets of Laredo

Y'all Regrese Pronto, Y' Hear?

2008-07-29T14:22:00.000-07:00

It's with the taste of bittersweet melon in our mouths that the SOL crew is moving on (up, North) from the Streets of Laredo.

What a year! We learned to like country; witnessed Mexican cowboys, wrestlers, gigantic flags and the country itself; got chased by stray dogs; cooked the third-best tripe in town; made sugar skulls; got creeped out by Santa Muerte; paraded; ate a ton of local food (especially tequila & pecans); got jamboozled; received a bikini car wash; floated in the pool; and found the Mayor of Laredo around - every - single - turn.

I'm guessing most of us are happy to be moving on, but we'll also miss some of the finer points of life on the border.

Hopefully, our replacements will be up to the task of keeping this blog (I'll still be blogging elsewhere). But even if not, I hope you enjoyed following our progress through all the Tex-Mexinsanity and the impressions we shared, dissected and served up in your RSS reader.

Take care, Laredo! I'd say don't ever change...but something tells me you won't.

View from the Pool

2008-07-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's possible we're suffering a little Senioritis down here in SOL-land. Most of us are finishing up our tour of duty in Laredo in the next couple weeks and moving to various points north (and none too soon - killer bees!).

But really, there hasn't been a lot going on down here. Summer is in full swing, forcing us to loaf around, sweat, and occasionally crash the nicest apartment pools we can find (see above).

The only real excitement has been the addition of some much-needed culture. Last weekend, Laredo had it's first decent indie-rock show since we've been here (featuring Austin bands, natch), as well as a visit from performance artist (?) Jimmy Keuhnle, whose giant inflatable suit invaded the Laredo streets on Friday. Watch some video of Jimmy bouncing and...dancing with your favorite SOL blogger.

The Beauty of Texas...

2008-06-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Laredo played host to the prestigious Miss Texas pageant - basically the playoffs for Miss USA. Apparently 9 million Texans tuned in - and Miss Port of Laredo got third place. Miss Port of Laredo, always a bridesmaid.

Alex and I didn't feel like shelling out $20 for nosebleed seats to the coronation, so I did the next best thing - got a bikini car wash.

In my defense, I wasn't looking for a bikini car wash. All I know is that I desperately needed a car wash, any car wash, when all-of-a-sudden a skeezy looking dude appeared outside GW's Roadhouse with a "Bikini Car Wash" sign and the state of Texas tattooed on his chest.

How could I not?

GW's is a faux dive bar (think strategically placed bras and deer heads), and when I asked the skeezer about the price, he yelled something unintelligible about "fundraiser" and "titties." I figured this was probably my only chance to ever experience such a combination.

As it turned out, no one could tell me what the donation was for ("Maybe somebody got sick?" a biker volunteered), and there were no sightings of the aforementioned unmentionables. In fact, our car was washed by beardy drunk and a big old woman.

At this point I'd close by saying "only in Laredo," but does this really happen anywhere outside my feverish dreams?

And did I mention they did a terrible job?

Raul-Watch! - Pt. 2

2008-06-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

When: Thursday, June 19, 3:30PM
Where: Departure lounge, Laredo "International" Airport
What was he doing?: Unclear. He appeared to be hobnobbing with airport staff, but he did have a small bag and was wearing a Panama hat.
What was he eating?: Nothing (saving room for salty peanuts?)

Raul-Watch!

2008-06-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you saw the Mayor of Laredo? What was he doing? What was he eating (if anything)?

I imagine this as a border version of "Where's Waldo." For example, my latest sighting...

When: Saturday, June 14th, 3:00PM
Where: The discount tie bin at Macy's
What was he doing?: Getting a great deal!
What was he eating?: Nothing apparent.

Hizzoner

2008-06-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

I agree with JC below: Happy was fairly funny, although I missed a lot of the jokes. Also, someone should tell him that not all white people are named Chad.

But after the show, I went to buy groceries at the store known locally as the "Gucci HEB." Who was there picking out peaches, but the mayor himself! Like me, he had just come from the fundraiser.

The Mayor agreed that Happy puts on a good show. He was a bit miffed that Happy couldn't remember whether the Mayor's first name was "Raul" or "Saul." (They rhyme in Spanish, tho not in English.)

All in all, the Mayor is affable and an easy guy to talk to. He said bye as he left the store and walked past me. As I walked to my car, it appeared to me that the Mayor was parked in a handicapped spot.

And that was my brush with the powers that be in the Gateway City!

Happy

2008-06-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

Last night the SOL crew took in the bizarre, though not entirely unfunny spectacle of South Texas Humor, courtesy of comedian Efrian "Happy" Guerrero (old video here).

Guess what? Lots of ethnic jokes.

Admittedly, Happy's standard style
was a little hard for this Anglo to
follow (rapid English setup, nasal Spanish punchline), and I wasn't sure what to do with his impression of a Hispanic Mormon fundamentalist.

But the old adage holds - stand-up comedy is funnier in person. I'd be interested to know what everyone else thought.

Cocaine Jesus

2008-05-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

For the faithful reader who just can't get enough verbiage about the splendors of Laredo (you know who you are), I can now highly recommend The Tecate Journals by Keith Bowden.

Bowden, a Laredo writing professor & reluctant Anglo who chronicled his time swilling countless beers while floating/paddling/ crashing/portaging down the Rio Grande, writes some pretty cutting prose about Texas border culture. He singles out Laredo in particular as "the most Mexican city in America," without suggesting whether that's a positive or negative.

In the book, many of Bowden's adventures drift dangerously close to the river's drug culture, which infuses suspicion into nearly every interaction he has on both shores. Things haven't changed much since then - only now the drug runners appear to be infusing something other than the holy spirit into religious icons...

Little Big League - Part II

2008-05-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

As Callagy noted last week, baseball in Laredo is definitely "small ball." But how small?

Well, consider how much we just paid for our new pitcher: 10 bats.

Little Big League

2008-05-16T10:56:00.001-07:00

You knew that Laredo has a hockey team. Sadly, the Bucks didn't get past the semifinals in the playoffs.

But now there's another team to cheer for: the Laredo Broncos baseball team. Not having anything to do, I went to the game last night. For $7, I sat right behind home plate. Also, it was "Thirsty Thursday," so beer was $2, and hot dogs $1. God Bless America!!!

The atmosphere was festive, on a beautiful Laredo night. The 200 or so fans got into it, especially when the umpire made a bad call. Also, unlike in the Big Leagues, here the players can really hear the crowd's trash-talking. For perhaps the first time in history, a fan shouting "Hey, batterbatterbatter sa-WING batterbatter!" caused a guy to strike out.

The game was close. It was tied 1-1 going into the ninth, when, with 2 outs, an outfield fielding error allowed Amarillo 'Dillas to score 2 runs. With that loss, the Broncos are off to a 1-2 start to the season. Come back tonight to see the Broncos take on the Rio Grande Valley White Wings. I just might be there.

UPDATE: Jamie and I went to Saturday's game against the White Wings. Laredo won 12-1, thanks to a lot of fielding errors and an impressive 3-run homer. Interestingly, after each home run, an attractive woman comes around collecting money in a helmet for the home-run hitter. Beer money for the batter, that's got to be a first.

Happy Birthday, Laredo!

2008-05-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

253 years ago today, Don Tomás Sánchez led a group of bedraggled Spanish settlers to the banks of the Rio Grande, put down his flag and said "Eh, good enough," simultaneously setting both the future site and political tone of the great city of Laredo.

And how you've grown! Laredo doubled in size between 1960 and 1990, and then doubled again between 1990 and today. Puts the whole "big-town government run by small-town politics" thing in perspective.

(Free birthday cake available outside La Posada at 6:30, by the way...)

Cookies! Cookies?

2008-05-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

This week's blog posts (or lack thereof) brought to you by...I really don't know what these things are.

The tantalizing selection of Mexican snack foods available in Laredo gas stations is something of a bizarro-twinkie universe, with common names that fail the American P.C. test like Bimbo & Negrito.

So how did this marshmallow-sprinkle-cookie-cake-thing end up on my table? Well, it's what the food bank is giving away this week. Yep, most of our food is federal, but when Bimbo or anyone else wants to unload their junk on us and get a tax break, we smile and take it.

All the more reason for a new farm bill, which will be voted on today, vetoed tomorrow, and overridden next week. For those keeping score.

Dilemma

2008-05-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

It's 6:15 p.m. on Friday. I'm at work. It's air-conditioned.
Outside, the temperature is 98. The heat index is 105. It's not air-conditioned.
Do I go home right now, to an apartment with terrible insulation and a weak air conditioner? Or do I keep working?
And what the hell do I do tomorrow, when the forecast high is 106?
Something tells me things will only get worse as the summer comes. Sigh...

The Fire Next Time

2008-05-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

Generally a home to extreme weather, Laredo has been getting some crazy rain in the last few days.

Ok, any rain in the desert is crazy. But this is the kind of blind-idiot rain that howls, roars, dumps, and is gone in a half hour - though not before overwhelming every sewer and creating a small lake around several bloggers' workplace.

Compare and contrast with two weeks ago, when it was dry enough to start a massive brushfire in the toxic industrial zone near my work.

To be filed under "Cultural Differences": When you see a plume of smoke like this in New York, you grab your fashionable gas mask and run. Here, people were piling into cars and driving towards the fire. There was gridlock for half an hour. The wry consensus among my coworkers was that there must have been a rumor someone was making carne asada.

(Bus photo by the Laredo Morning Times).

Snakes On a (dusty) Plane

2008-05-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, in search of more danger, drama and cheap beer, Alex, Callagy and I headed back to the dusty town of Freer, TX (pop. 3,305) for the annual Freer Rattlesnake Roundup.

Freer created the festival to drum up tourists and beat down the local snake population, which is a nuisance to the cattle ranchers.

I had heard a lot of things about the festival: namely that it's cruel, environmentally unsustainable, and teaches children not to fear snakes. We also heard it was a lot of fun.

1) Cruel? Not in my eyes. I mean yeah, they do kill every snake, and skin it in front of you. But they did handle them fairly humanely, they didn't play cruel tricks on them, and they dispatched them pretty quickly with an axe to the head. Afterwards, they made use of everything but the guts - even selling the fried meat to people more adventurous than us.

2) Unsustainable? Hard to say, as no one knows how many snakes are out there. We had heard that "thousands" are butchered during the festival, but I counted less than 100 total snakes in two pens, only one of which was filled with "locals". Of course, those numbers could mean there are less to catch, and then we have a problem.

3) Teaches kids to be stupid? Definitely! There were standard "don't try this at home" disclaimers, but the overall effect of being within arms reach of dozens of poisonous snakes was definitely "Big deal." Mostly they curled up together for warmth and wanted nothing to do with the humans in their midst (see pics). Some people were even holding their tots over the plywood wall so they could see better!

Maybe we need to take a page from Conan the Barbarian and ritually sacrifice a virgin to the snakes every year, just to keep things in perspective?

The Garden of Death and Kitties

2008-04-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

A generation ago, our parents had zero qualms about driving the family station wagon across the border to buy some cheap Mexican blankets and tequila, and go desert camping.

It's a brave new millenium, but the SOL crew endeavored to continue this tradition last weekend with a trip to Bustamante, El Jardin de Nuevo Leon, home to homemade mezcal (delicious), little kittens (cute), and baby goats (cute and delicious).

On the way, though, we noticed that today's Mexican roads clearly see more than just turista "traffic." Military roadblocks aside, the clearest signal of drug activity was the presence of several roadside shrines to Santa Muerte, patron saint of assassins and thugs.

Ms. Muerte received some press in Laredo recently when a convicted cartel assassin admitted he had, well, drunk a little of his victims' blood on her behalf. Oops.

Actually, there are signs that the cartels are through fighting each other in Nuevo Laredo. Literally, signs. Also, the center of the action has apparently moved north to Juarez/El Paso, where the police are throwing around the phrase "blood bath" with a straight face.

I guess Laredo has become passe for the criminal elite. At least we're still on the top 10 list for car theft.

(Credit: All photos taken by the extremely brave / dare-prone CQ)

The Laredo Underground

2008-04-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

In most big cities, there's an established media, and an "alternative press" that espouses edgy politics, speaks truth to power, rakes muck etc.

As with so much else in Laredo, we've got our own version of the standard: the mighty Laredo Underground! I think there might be four of them.

The Laredo Chameleon - Scourge of welfare whiners & local politicians, friend to random links and animated gif artists. The website design screams "class," at least when it's not screaming at its readers in poorly spelled caps to vote out State Sen. Judith Zaffirini, arguably one the most powerful democrats in Texas. Good idea, guys.

Jay St. John - Our favorite Mexico-broadcasting, FCC-dodging gringo with an off-handed racist remark, Jay recently got kicked off the FM dial, possibly through the machinations of our ubiquitous mayor, who was understandably sick of being referred to as "the walrus." But you can't keep a good Imus impersonator down - Jay is now broadcasting twice as loud in AM.

Laredos - A monthly(ish) magazine devoted to unmasking corrupt politicians, giving bogus medical advice, reviewing Harry Potter books, discussing Jesus...actually, whatever you want to write. The most legit of the Chameleon/St. John/Laredos triumvirate. Do these guys all hang out on Friday nights?

The Shell station on San Bernardo - I love this place (see pic above). Same folks that brought you the Chameleon. Who do they think is reading? Actually, Laredo probably is one of the few cities where politicians pump their own gas.

Hot Date!

2008-04-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Ever wanted to put the moves on an SOL blogger? I know I have. Now you can too, for a price...

(oh, but you have to bid on all of them together).

Dos Laredos, Un Caudillo

2008-04-10T08:18:00.001-07:00

You might call Laredo the most patriotic city in North America. Laredo celebrates "el grito" but also goes gaga for GW. This town isn't just a Mexican-American border city; it's got a Mexican and an American identity. It's sort of like when the Blues Brothers claimed, in response to whether they could play a country-western bar: "We can play country AND western."

You can see Laredo's duality reflected in the names of the streets of Laredo. Washington Street runs parallel to Victoria Street (the first president of Mexico). One more block over is Houston Street. (Sam Houston, after kicking Santa Anna's butt at San Jacinto, went on to become the first President of Texas.) You'll find a jumble of Spanish, Mexican, American, and Texan presidents, historical figures, cities, and states on the street signs. Given that whole "Seven Flags over Laredo" thing, this makes for some odd signage. In one case, there is the intersection of Jefferson & Davis. There is also a Lincoln & Davis. Hmmm…

I also noticed that there is a Juarez Street in both Laredo and Nuevo Laredo. In fact, if you look on google maps, you can follow Juarez south from Laredo and trace its imaginary path across the river, where it become Juárez (I suppose the Border Patrol keeps the accent mark out). I wonder: was there once a bridge there, in place of the Convent Street bridge two blocks over? Or are we just coincidentally celebrating another historical figure? Benito Juarez was one of Mexico's most important presidents and reformers. Your guess is as good as mine.

Don't go too fast on the way to Laredo; you might miss it and find yourself in Mexico!

Compare & Contrast: Laredo & Austin

2008-04-09T13:24:00.001-07:00

When I told folks back in the old country (California) that I was moving to Texas, most people got a hopeful look and asked, "To Austin?"

My answer usually wiped that look right off their face.

It's clear that Austin gets lots of attention from the Coasts. It also gets attention from the SOL crew, most of whom have now spent a weekend or two up there. So for all you coasties, here's a side-by-side comparison of two of Texas's most unique cities.

Politics

Laredo: Democratic a la Tammany Hall. You're reminded to vote for either Chilo Alaniz for DA or Rick Flores for Sherriff by the bumper of every pickup truck that cuts you off.

Austin: Democratic a la Dennis Kucinich. Lots of Ron Paul bumper stickers thrown in for variety ("The Doctor Will Save You Now").

Major Industries

Austin: Dell Computer, Government, Education, Spinning Conspiracy Theories

Laredo: Trade/Logistics, Law Enforcement, Alien Smuggling, Drug Conspiracies

Famous Residents/Natives

Laredo: Tom DeLay

Austin: Stevie Ray Vaughan, Lance Armstrong

Slogan

Austin: "Keep Austin Weird."

Laredo: none yet. I like JC's. Might I also suggest "Like Mexico, but Occasionally Functional."

Notable Architecture

Laredo: La Bandera Gigante

Austin: mammoth State Capitol

Don't Miss

Austin: Town Lake; 6th Street; restaurants on South Congress; Whole Foods flagship store

Laredo: free parking at airport; seafood buffet Fridays at La Posada

Major Annoyance

Austin: hipsters as far as the eye can see.

Laredo: being in Laredo.

Minor League Hockey

As JC has noted, the Laredo Bucks are kicking butt in the playoffs & headed to the Conference Championships. W-L record: 42-19-3, best in the Southern Conference.

The Austin Ice Bats had a record of 29-33-2 & were eliminated from the playoffs in Round 1. Take that, you damn hippies!

Winner? Too close to call. We'll have to settle this the old-fashioned way.

Where the Eagle Flops

2008-04-09T07:38:00.001-07:00

After working too much in the last few weeks, it was time for a road trip, so JC & I headed north-by-northwest to the town of Eagle Pass. About 100 miles from here, Eagle Pass is the next American settlement upriver from Laredo. Here are the highlights.

We stopped in tiny Catarina, where an abandoned hotel suggests that the town was once relevant and possibly somewhat prosperous. No more; the dilapidated hotel is now for sale.

You can check out any time you like…

We continued to Eagle Pass and checked out the tidy downtown—kind of like how Laredo might have looked 25 years ago.

A whole bunch of something.

We then walked across the bridge to Piedras Negras for some delicious tacos al pastor. We found the plaza that was featured in "No Country for Old Men." Just imagine it's early morning and I'm dripping blood while holding out a $100 bill to some mariachis.

"Medico!"

We then went to the Lucky Eagle Casino, run by the Kickapoo tribe. Summary: depressing and boring. There are slot machines and poker tables, and lots of obese people smoking. There is a bingo hall, but no blackjack. After losing a few bucks each and drinking a Bud Lite, we left.

Red man's greed.

It was our aim to try to make it back to Laredo on the farm roads running along the river, instead of cutting inland on the major highway. We drove through verdant bottomlands next to the river, avoiding stray livestock, goats, and a massive snake crossing the road. We also saw a big Air Force radar dish pointed at Mexico. There were few signs of people. Driving out there, you're impressed with just how big and sparsely populated most of this state is. After 25 miles, the road turned to dirt, so we turned back.

Here the story gets a little exciting. A Border Patrol agent saw us and followed at a distance. After 20 miles, he pulled me over to see what on earth we might be doing out in the middle of nowhere. Satisfied that we were citizens and not transporting anything naughty, he sent us along. For a period of about an hour, we saw perhaps ten vehicles—nine of them B.P. or other law enforcement.

After reaching Carrizo Springs, I was pulled over by a Senior State Trooper for going 12 over the limit. He gave me a warning (thank goodness I now have Texas license plates!), but kept us sitting at the side of the road for 15 minutes, probably to scare other motorists into not speeding. When we told him what we had been up to, he regaled us with stories of his gambling trips.

Eventually, we got back to Laredo, my car covered in a patina of dust. I had my fill of law enforcement, so I assiduously followed the speed limits. After eight hours of being in the middle of nowhere, Laredo seems big and bustling--now there's something I never thought I'd say!

101 degrees in the shade

2008-04-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

Laredo officially broke 101° F yesterday, tying a record set in 1980.

I'm not trying to brag here - I'm sweating as I write this! No wonder our local weatherman is nicknamed "Heatwave."

Rush Hour in Laredo...

2008-04-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

Laredo...on Ice!

2008-04-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

Looking back on old posts, I realized that I use the word "elite" too much. This makes me boring, and possibly annoying. No more talk of Richie Ricardo and his income gap - from now on SOL is a Blog of The People!

So what do the Laredovolk do for entertainment? Like you and me (or at least you), they go to sporting events and drink tall boys. But beisbol or futbol? Totally ayer. The most celebrated sport in Laredo is ice hockey.

Weird, right? Apparently it took two tries to pass a public resolution to build it, but the Laredo Entertainment Center has since become the center of all ticketmastered entertainment on the border, including the CHL Champion Laredo Bucks.

Keep in mind, nearly all the Bucks are Canadian & Russian ringers hired to hand victory to a town that typically only sees ice in its margaritas; but that's professional sports in a nutshell. Laredo loves 'em anyway, and demonstrates its love by showering the players with fake ears of corn every time they score ("To feed the bucks," get it?).

Apparently the corn works - they're 2-0 in the playoffs against the Odessa Jackalopes. This begs an existential question: would you rather be a professional hockey player from Canada in Laredo, or a professional hockey player from Canada in Odessa?

Outlawed

2008-03-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

Those who live in Laredo know that the main way to Gringolandia up north is Interstate 35. Those who have driven I-35 know that it is a boring, yet treacherous highway--lots of aggressive tractor/trailer drivers, lots of ticket-happy State Troopers, lots of folks with Mexican plates with dubious insurance coverage and whose driving skills make your average Texan driver look like Michael Schumacher.

But there is a silver lining, which I discovered some months ago: The Outlaw. About 30 miles north of here, the Mexican radio stations fade and you pick up 92.5, KRPT, based near San Antonio. It plays Texas music, mostly country, and really helps those miles fly by.

The station helps one to get in touch with the inner outlaw. It's got songs about drinking, songs about women, songs about Texas, songs about Texans going to Mexico to drink and chase women, and much more.

The station's only DJ is Hank T. Moon, whose pearls of wisdom air in between songs. These include:
-"My name is Hank T. Moon. T stands for 'I'd rather be a fencepost in Texas than king of Tennessee.'"
-"If a chick doesn't meet the Outlaw hot chick standard... just lower your standards, man. It works."
-"You know, when Kenny Chesney does a good song, we'll play it. Don't hold your breath, man."
-"Yeah, we drink. But only to excess or oblivion, whichever comes first."
-"Outlaw rule: if you're going to Oklahoma, buy your beer in Texas."
-"We may not always remember what happened last night, but we always remember the Alamo."

I'm listening online right now--my consolation for being at the office on Saturday. Hank T. Moon is broadcasting live from the Wild Hog Catching World Championships in Sabinal, TX. Sounds like a hoot--and you bet I'd rather be there. If you'd like a taste of Texas, listen live here.

Oh well, back to work.

Only in Laredo...

2008-03-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

Rich v. Poor, Part II

2008-03-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

You knew I couldn't stay away from this topic, right?

On Monday I presented testimony to the Laredo City Council (eventually available here) on the sorry state of hunger relief in America - empty food banks, strapped shoppers, 1 in 10 Ohioans on food stamps, etc - and its corollary in Laredo. Mostly they were bored.

In a good example of the extreme inequality here in Laredo, I was preceded by a 10-minute presentation honoring the WBCA, the afore-blogged collection of Laredo elite that plans the Washington's Birthday Celebration every year. A very fancy set of folks.

I mean, they even have their own press! Three magazines full of glossy photos of quincaneras, debutante parties, and carefree oil scions at play. Is this a Laredo thing?

Ok, maybe I sound bitter. But these magazines remind me of an at exhibit Alex and I saw in San Antonio last week about "Hispanic culture's continuing romance with the notion of royalty." Is this a real phenomenon? Is it different than the American one?

Full disclosure: Most of the SOL crew has been in the pages in these tabloids at one point or another.

SXSW!

2008-03-17T11:19:00.001-07:00

While the rest of the SOL crew enjoyed 100+ temperatures and wildfires this weekend, Alex and I headed due north to Austin for South by Southwest.

I'm amazed more South Texans haven't heard of this festival, which is without a doubt the largest in North America. 1700+ bands confirmed how sadly lacking Laredo is in the rock department, but we did get some new favorites:

Best Norwegian death metal: Enslaved
Best psychedelic space-out music: Black Moth Super Rainbow
Best high school throwback: NOFX
Best performance by a teenager: Juiceboxxx
Best performance by a geriatric: Bruno Wizard, The Homosexuals
Most unlikely party promoter: Rachael Ray
Best Band Name: Soiled Mattress & the Springs
Best/Worst Band Name: Taco Leg

More posts when I get a nap. Standing and drinking beer for three days just isn't as easy as it used to be...

Rubified

2008-03-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

A whole week's leave from Laredo (and the blog, obviously) taught me some unfortunate truths about myself.

As I walked around D.C. and NYC, gaping at the big ol' buildings (and all them people!), I realized that Laredo has encouraged my transition from cynical urbanite to Texas rube. As my friend Nora put it, I have been rubified. Or have crossed the Rubicon - take your pick.

Actually, the New York tunnel vision really didn't take long to kick back in. But I did feel different, and non-New Yorky, which was sort of the point of moving in the first place. Upon returning to Laredo yesterday, after silently noting the sudden absence of European features and dramatic expansion of all vehicular transport, I definitely felt glad to be back.

That's not to say I'm past appreciating a delicious chewy bagel, or drinking fresh Yuengling. We're not Texans yet (a point on which jamie would surely agree). But maybe we're on the way.

Vote early, Vote often

2008-02-29T09:34:00.001-08:00

The national media is abuzz with talk of how the final Clintobama Showdown will happen on a dusty street somewhere in Texas on March 4th. Commentators are particularly fixated on Hilary's supposed "firewall" of Hispanic voters in South Texas. Now where can I find some Hispanic South Texans...?

You'd think Laredo would be reveling in its newfound political prominence. There was a certain amount of religious adulation when Hilary rolled into town last week, but mostly Laredoans are fixated on a different kind of horse-race.

As one of the Obama volunteers I met tactfully put it, "You guys take local politics REALLY seriously." This coming from someone who has slept on floors for three months.

As the photos can attest, Laredoans are more fired up about the local DA's race than whatever yankee is running for President. This could be because everyone assumes Clinton will win (full disclosure - I've been stumping for Obama). But more likely, it's because Laredo's elected officials have been giving the town a bad rep lately, and Laredoans are finally pissed off enough to "trow de bums out."

Take our former police chief, just sentenced yesterday to three years for extortion. Or two of our local Justices of the Peace (traffic court judges) who were charged with DWI late last year. Or our Sheriff, who got into a pissing contest with our U.S. House rep on CNN. Or our City Manager, who recently tried to donate bullet-proof vests to Mexico without telling anyone (neither Mexico nor U.S. Customs was pleased).

No doubt the next President will be forced to deal with the immigration and globalization problems that are hitting Laredo harder than most places. But for now, Laredoans seem mainly interested in getting their own house in order.

A Parade to Remember

2008-02-26T21:18:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I have never seen a longer parade in my life! It went on, and on, and on... Three hours later we were hot, tired, and bored. We left, and the parade continued. Alas! Laredo has a lot to display, I understand. Here are some observations from the event:

1. Only in Laredo are a large percentage of parade floats assembled on the flat bed of semi-trailer trucks. There certainly isn't a truck shortage here, so I guess they better use them!

2. The military presence was a bit stronger than what I had expected. Border patrol, homeland security, army, vets, Mayor Raul Salinas...ubiquitous indeed. The most perplexing was the border patrol boat. Clearly they brought it over from the Gulf because while the Rio Grande is right here, there ain't that much water in it.

3.CQ's personal favorite "float": the Food Bank sign. The banner holders did an outstanding job. I won't lie JC, I was hoping to see you dressed up as a vegetable, but you were great nevertheless.

4. The little jalapenos were a close second. Alex said it best: "I want to have kids just so that I can dress them up in little jalapeno outfits." Lofty goal lady, but what will you do with them once they grow up?

5. The debutantes. Nice dresses, although worth about what the average Laredoan makes in several years.

Parade? Parade!

2008-02-25T07:23:00.000-08:00

The Washington's Birthday Celebration wrapped up this weekend with a debutante ball, fireworks, a carnival, little kids hugging on a bridge, a Jalapeño eating contest and two - count em - two nearly identical parades! Huzzah.

The parades mostly seemed like an excuse to trot out Laredo's elite next to some of the most ridiculously dressed tots on either side of the Rio Grande (Mexican children being invited to participate in the second parade). I didn't have a very good view, as I was busy marching and holding a dirty old banner for the Food Bank, but I did get a couple shots of the surly yout's in the parking lot.

Any other SOL contributors get good photos? Post them! I'm still cursing myself for not getting a shot of that 5-yr-old gordito dressed like Benjamin Franklin banging heavy-metal style on a drum...

The Red, White & Green Elephant

2008-02-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

Despite all the cultural peculiarity, casual Spanglish, transnational license plates and Border Patrol helicopters, you can forget that Laredo shares a border with Mexico.

Many Laredoans seem to. My coworkers - most of whom have strong Mexican-American backgrounds - haven't gone "across" in years. Funny, even though that ethnicity is the primary influence on every aspect of life here, it wouldn't be too hard (especially in North Laredo) to pretend you're nowhere closer to the border than Pilsen, East LA, or the South Bronx.

Except when Mexico jumps in front of your car. A couple months ago, I was driving on Riverside (so-named for its proximity to the Rio Grande) when two women materialized from the bushes and dashed across the street in front of me. They were being waved along by a man on a cell phone, and one of them was very pregnant.

WWjcD? Before you lapse into your preconceived positions, honestly ask yourself the same question.

Here's what ran through my head:
A. I don't know that they were undocumented immigrants - though they totally looked like it.
B. I believe in secure borders, and the rule of law.
C. I also believe our immigration system is too messed up for these women to receive a semblance of justice.
D. I'm late to pick up Alex.

And that was that. Even assuming they were, as Lou Dobbs would tremble and spit, "illegal aliens," I had a hard time judging them for it. It's sort of like hating on someone for stealing food - it's unlawful, and if everyone does it there's an obvious problem, but it's hard to bring the hammer down on one person, especially if they're doing it for their kid. And (to extend the metaphor) may actually be...bringing food?

Anyway, it was a judgment call. I don't blame our loyal readers for having another perspective. But I would like to invite you down to where I work, where the river is just twenty yards across, and ask whether you wouldn't swim that distance to make ten times your current salary? I probably would.

Reckless Driving in the Streets of Laredo

2008-02-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

Having posted a list of the ten best things about Laredo, a "ten worst things" list inevitably had to follow. However, as I placed "Laredo drivers" at the top of that list, I decided that they are truly deserving of their own post.

Laredo drivers are angry, impatient, and yes, reckless. I recently discovered the Laredo Driving School--a rundown shack in a hidden back street, which speaks volumes about the drivers in this town. Turn signals, stop signs, stop lights, and pretty much all signs appear to be optional. Standard road courtesy is nonexistent here, and everybody drives big cars--Texas style--making my little VW susceptible to being bullied around. Karlo, one of our co-bloggers got in a car accident on the highway a few weeks ago--the result of one driver's abrupt stop and another driver's failure to leave more than a few feet between her front bumper and Karlo's car in front (a typical occurrence).

It is no surprise that Laredo ranks above the national average in automobile and pedestrian deaths. The number of uninsured motorists and vehicles with temporary license plates is also extremely high. Unfortunately, public transportation is not much of an option, and walking is simply not feasible. I commend Callagy for venturing out on his bicycle, because in the streets of Laredo, that is not something that I would do.

Newsflash: Texas Cannot Outlaw Dildos

2008-02-14T14:42:00.001-08:00

Just in time for Valentine's Day, the Fifth Circuit helps the public learn to help themselves. In this opinion, the Fifth Circuit strikes down Texas's "obscene-device statute" as unconstitutional under the Fourteenth Amendment. Across the state you will soon hear a big sigh of... relief.

It's just not easy being a moralistic legislator in Texas. In 2003 the US Supreme Court said in Lawrence v. Texas that the State cannot outlaw consensual sodomy. Now they can't even ban "a device including a dildo or artificial vagina, designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs," as the statute reads. Until I saw this case, I had no idea the word "dildo" appeared in a statute anywhere!

And before we go, the money line: "Advertisements of the devices could be prohibited if they are obscene... [b]ut the State may not prohibit the promotion or sale of a bed, even one specially designed or marketed for sexual purposes, by merely defining it as obscene."

Zing!

LUCHA!!!

2008-02-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

Oof - first entry in nearly two weeks. Maybe our blog has entered a post-holiday sugar coma?

Or maybe we were left SPEECHLESS by the amazing Lucha Libre fight Alex, CQ and I saw last week.

Did I say amazing? I meant authentic. This was no glitzed-up, WWF-style battle. Pudgy contenders, rec center lighting, and drunk, foul-mouthed old ladies berating the luchadors made this a true Mexican experience.

But like the American equivalent, there was definitely a feeling of class difference in the crowd. CQ's coworkers laughed when they heard we were going - does this reflect their class bias, or what they assumed was ours?

Welfare Pusher

2008-02-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

It didn't take long. I got my own hate-filled rant!

Actually, I'm sort of excited to be the author of "the most ridiculous study ever perpetuated on intelligent human beings." Where's Guinness when you need them?

Too bad no one reads this clown, he's more entertaining than the NY Post.

Jamboozled

2008-01-31T10:53:00.000-08:00

The Streets crew is slowly realizing what a big deal George Washington is in Laredo.

The "WBC" (Washington's Birthday Celebration for the uncool) began in earnest last weekend, and promises to bludgeon us (and by extension, you) with blogworthy material until late next month.

Why celebrate a random gringo two thousand miles away from where he spent his entire natural life? It's sort of like being "big in Japan."

I won't go into the whole story, but apparently Laredo was in need of some national spirit after we annexed it from Mexico, and so local elites decided to drum up affection for their new founding father by dressing up as Indians and staging an attack on City Hall. Then Pocahontas showed up and saved the day. Confused yet?

Anyway, local gentry have taken this as an excuse to dress up and throw debutante balls / galas / conspicuous-displays-of-wealth ever since, and the rest of Laredo has taken it as an excuse to eat jalapeños and drink Bud Light. Awesome!

The SOL Crew attended several inaugural events last weekend, including a bull-riding tour, a Sister City crafts exposition, and the fabled Jamboozie (CQ, any good photos?). The Jamboozie gave us the opportunity to drink purple soda with vodka (the traditional campesino beverage for which the festival is named) and catch the only actually great music we've heard in Laredo - Poncho Sanchez.

Actually, my favorite part of the weekend was walking into the Sister City exposition - a swirl of craft-makers, consumers and Mexican Spanish - and being handed a hot tortilla by our ubiquitous mayor. "Take it from the plate," he said. "I don't want to get sued." It was like a dream.

Pase Ud. to Past Tense

2008-01-24T13:42:00.000-08:00

The streets crew has a new favorite Mexican sushi spot, handily beating Salsa's and their cream-cheese filled, deep-fried monstrosities.

This is not necessarily a good thing. Alex and I have personally witnessed at least four beloved new businesses shutter their windows since we moved here, and half a dozen more that are clearly on their way out.

Why does this keep happening? Everyone has a theory:

1) Immigration. Alex explains there is a visa available to the super-rich, who can essentially pay to jump the line if they promise to invest in the American economy. "Say honey, you know that little bakery you always dreamed about, despite having zero business experience and bejeweled hands that have never touched a coffee pot? Let's do it!"

2) Drug money. It's no big secret drugs are a problem around here - shooting up on this side of the border, and getting shot up on the other side. So maybe that laundromat where the washers are always broken actually launders other things? This problem used to be a lot worse - coworkers tell me there used to be an empty "self-pay" parking lot on every Laredo corner.

3) Poor planning / service. My boss claims no one ever plans before investing in Laredo, which is why there are so many horror stories about terrible service standards, giant HDTVs in places where there shouldn't be (like fancy restaurants), and constant rebranding. Case in point, Rumors Hip-Hop Lounge near our apartment, now Rumors Country Bar.

4) Crime. Not as in "My new business was criminalized," but "I am a criminal and therefore must cease operations to attend to my prison sentence." Case in point, Burger Patrol, a hilariously branded burger joint across from the federal district court that mocked Border Patrol with slogans like "The only papers you need are napkins" and "All Visas Accepted." The punchline: the owner was a border patrol agent, who has since been jailed for taking bribes!

The upside to all this is there's always unused food being donated to the food bank. The downside (besides consumer frustration) is that all the cooks and waitresses are going to be getting in line for it pretty soon.

Birthday Girl!

2008-01-23T06:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to co-blogger jamie from the SOL crew! Virtual margaritas and sushi to be available any time now...

A Celebration of Tripe

2008-01-20T13:01:00.000-08:00

"Tripe! Tripe! Tripe!"

That's what I chanted to myself as Karlo, Alex and I (mostly just Karlo and I) labored to determine the winner of the SOL Bloggers' Choice at the Menudo Bowl (get it? bowl) in Laredo yesterday.

Delicious, steaming organ meats were all around. By representing at the tent for the South Texas Food Bank, I was able to learn that the secret to good menudo is not just disgusting cow stomach lining, but equally disgusting pig's feet, and blood. Blood. Everywhere.

Ok, so the other secret is to have a Mexican abuela come in as a ringer, bearing fresh oregano that she picked herself in the mountains of Bustamante. Although Karlo maintains that our abuelita added too much salt, the herbal breakthrough snagged us 3rd place out of 50 teams! Take that, inferior tripe!

We definitely didn't win the personality contest though. Check out some of the other booths, and you'll appreciate the lengths Laredoans go to to express this "cultural heritage":

Home of the Freer

2008-01-13T18:02:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of postage this week. Not much happened in Laredo, as evidenced by today's Laredo Morning Times, which printed a photo-essay about a car wash and a two-page (!) story about a guy who loves rocks (ridiculous headline courtesy of Journey).

Seems like the whole town is holding its breath for the Washington's Birthday Celebration, an annual, month-long festival celebrating a man who never came within 2,000 miles of the Rio Grande. More on that in the near future. But instead of cooling our heels, Alex and I decided to explore the neighborhood, striking east to the town of Freer, Texas (pop. 3,200).

Freer was a classic oil-boom town in the 1930s. Nowadays, there's a single dusty strip that boasts only a Wendy's, a closed Mexican restaurant, and the World's Largest Rattlesnake (self-proclaimed). The snake makes the trip, but there's also plenty of tiny oil rigs around town, which made us wonder "Are they just pumping it for themselves?"

We took in the sites (including a very literally-minded church), grabbed some burgers at the patriotic Liberty Cafe (served by a happy young fella in a matching Jesus Is The Way t-shirt and hat), and rolled back to Laredo, secure in our place in the universe - three hours from anything.

Three Kings and a Baby

2008-01-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Dia De Los Tres Reyes! If you were wondering why there's still candy tucked in your cheeks (a fair question), it's because we're only in day 10 of the 12 days of Christmas.

Yes, Candy-Mouth, today is Three Kings Day, commemorating the blessed event when three magi finally mounted their tottering camels and brought Jesus belated Christmas gifts. They also brought news that Herod meant to kill the child, which is why they wisely conspired with Mary and Joseph to hide him in a giant loaf of bread.

Bear with me. Observing the Mexican tradition (CQ?), Lareodoans gather today to eat Rosca de Reyes (pictured above), which are typically all green and red. More importantly, the cake contains three or four plastic Jesi! If you find a little Jesus in your mouth, you're responsible for throwing a tamale party the following month on Candlemas day. Simple, no?

Unfortunately, my workplace has tunnelled through half our rosca, and no Jesi have appeared. Could there have been a mix-up? Did someone ask for a vegan rosca (no babies)???

The Top 10 Things About Laredo

2007-12-31T13:11:00.000-08:00

After four months of living in Laredo, I believe it is time to highlight all of the wonderful things that this place has to offer. Thus, I have compiled a list of the top ten things about this border town. I invite my fellow co-bloggers to add to this list, because this is all I've got.

1. The long-term parking lot at the airport.
It's free, it's right next to the terminal, and it's so small that it is impossible to forget where you parked. (The downside: When you are marooned in the armpit of Texas, it is hard to find flights that will take you somewhere else.)

2. The weather.
It's sunny, it's 80 degrees, and it's January. (The downside: In about six months we will probably be roasting in a 120-degree inferno.)

3. Feeling like you are studying abroad while remaining on American soil.
(The downside: You really aren't studying abroad.)

4. Being able to introduce handles of alcohol and sandwich platters to country music concert venues for personal consumption. (The downside: While booze is allowed, beer is somehow prohibited.)

5. The sunsets.
They truly are beautiful. (The downside: Because Mexico always seems to be on fire, the dark pillars of smoke on the other side of the border slightly taint the picture.)

6. HEB.
It's big, it's everywhere, it's our grocery store chain--the only one around. Without other stores in town (say, Whole Foods or Trader Joe's) choosing where to get food is pretty simple. (The downside: It is the only show in town.)

7. Sushi and breakfast tacos--a ubiquitous delight.
In Laredo, you can get breakfast tacos all day long and just about anywhere (particularly at gas stations). And the sushi....oh the sushi. It mysteriously appears in conjunction with Mexican restaurants, coffee shops, night clubs, and Chinese buffets. (The downside: the sushi is fried, smothered with cream cheese, and in a landlocked metropolis such as this one, it is not all that fresh.)

8. The Mexican flag on the other side of the border.
It appears, reappears, and shrinks to a fourth of its size without a warning. Who needs Vegas when the Maquinitas abound and the daily transformation of our most prominent landmark is ideal for waging bets on what will happen to it next? (The downside: It is not actually in Laredo and has yet to change colors.)

Feliz Navidad

2007-12-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays from El Vez and the Streets of Laredo crew!

Winter

2007-12-15T18:25:00.000-08:00

I hate cold weather. I grew up in Houston, and I spent the last three years complaining about the cold Virginia winters. Today the high was around 60 degrees, which even I can handle for a day or two in December. But the Laredo natives seem to fear cold weather even more than I do. This morning I was working with some kids who complained that we had to go outside and walk two blocks in such cold weather, even though everyone bundled up in sweatshirts and coats for this two block walk. This evening at church the woman sitting next to me was actually wearing a fur coat. She was also driving a jag that she had decorated with reindeer antlers for Christmas, so it's possible that she's just crazy and has too much money, and is not a good representative of Laredo.

Hopefully the warm weather will return soon. I enjoyed the 90 degree weather we had last weekend.

Cycling SOL

2007-12-15T15:08:00.000-08:00

I bought a sweet little bicycle over Thanksgiving from a guy in San Antonio. It's very light and trim, and has one gear (but a freewheel--I'm not up for fixed-gear riding just yet). I now ride to work two or three days a week. The mild South Texas 'winter' has its advantages.

The people of Laredo are dumbfounded by this. Who ever heard of a person choosing to ride a bike when he has a car? A native Laredo coworker asked me if I rode on the Interstate to get to work. I told her that I used surface streets. She looked relieved.

Other coworkers find it interesting, too, but I think they're mainly asking me if I'm going to ride the next day so that they can use my parking spot.

Today I had a bike shop put on a smaller gear in the rear, so that I could go faster. The downside of one gear is that if you have a headwind or a big hill, life gets tough. Thankfully the hills here are small and the wind usually isn't bad.

Today, however, we had a 30mph wind from the north. I rode that way, and had to climb some minor hills on the way. It was hard, but the smaller gear was a good choice. I saw in the distance another person on a bike--who, unlike most of the bicyclists in Laredo, was clearly not either a child or a drunk old man. As I got closer, I saw that it was co-blogger JC. Guess it's only us outsiders who do such crazy things.

UPDATE: Tuesday, and again today, I saw another guy who appeared to be biking to work. We tend to pass by each other on the way through the parking lot of Mall del Norte. We have given each other nods of bicyclist solidarity.
Wouldnt' it be cool if that dude, JC, myself, and some of the drunk old guys got together to start a Laredo Critical Mass? It would really wreak havoc on the SUV-driving demographic. Of course, we'd need a public education campaign first to inform people that "Critical Mass" is actually not a Catholic tradition... look for this in 2008!

Venting

2007-12-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

If I may get on my soapbox for a minute...

This morning, the U.S. Senate rejected the final attempt to reform our country's dysfunctional farm subsidy and anti-hunger status quo by four votes. The fight lasted more than a year, involved a bizarre coalition of anti-hunger advocates, nutritionists, environmentalists, conservative think-tanks, Republicans and Democrats, and represents an impressive victory for the Agricultural Lobby, the most powerful lobby on Capitol Hill. The will of the people was literally beaten back at the gates.

Here in Laredo, our Food Bank serves nearly 36,000 individuals every month, each month with less food. Why less food? Partly because crop prices are so high, the USDA isn't bothering to buy up the excess and redistribute it to the poor. Yet even with prices so high, this farm bill will increase the amount we pay farmers NOT to farm. These are usually the biggest, richest landowners in town - such is the case in Laredo, and probably where you live.

The reforms struck down this week would have capped payments to huge farms and redistributed the savings to anti-hunger programs at a time when agribusiness needs the money least, and food banks need it most. The choice was actually that stark. Makes me not so proud I voted Democrat.

Mexican Train

2007-12-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

Much of Laredo's bizarre political economy, concentrated wealth and outsized presence in regional politics results from the over 4,000 trucks and countless train-cars that rumble and clatter onto American soil here every day. 36% of U.S.-bound and 47% of Mexican-bound trade passes through the "Gateway City."

The upside? A steady flow of trade dollars, political clout, and a supply of Extremely Cheap Stuff (including illegal drugs, for those so inclined). The downside? Trucks, trains, trucks and more trains everywhere. Jamie points out that trains seem to be more of a nuisance in Texas than other states - maybe something to do with being nearly landlocked and a major economy?

All I know is every day I cross three train tracks to get to work, any one of which might hold a mile-long train that has decided to take a little nap. At 9AM. What's worse, these trains seem bound by law to blast their whistles at every intersection, regardless of the time of night or proximity of sleeping JCs. They haunt my dreams.

Seeing one of these trains slowly rumble past carrying hundreds of "American-Made" SUVs is a striking reminder of the effects of NAFTA on our lives. Interestingly, the city and county are now involved in an epic battle to site a new train bridge away from the city. The punchline: the existing bridge is owned by Kansas Southern, which has zero intention of changing its route.

Parrots!

2007-12-06T15:17:00.001-08:00

It was no dream. I just took this picture of a flock of parrots (!) hanging out near my fellow bloggers' workplace. Did I mention that it's 84 degrees and sunny here today? Versus this.

Nuevo Laredo

2007-12-05T18:56:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, Americans crossed the border into Nuevo Laredo all the time to shop, eat, drink, and party. But then the drug wars broke out, people started disappearing, and all the tourists got scared to go over there anymore. But Alex, JC, Callagy and I aren't scared off that easily. Saturday, we went across to do some Christmas shopping. Most of the shops at the Mercado were open, though there weren't a lot of people shopping. Most of the tourists that do venture across the border do so for prescription drugs and Nuevo Laredo's infamous red-light district. The picture above was taken outside a pharmacy about three blocks from the bridge.

Songs About Texas

2007-12-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

Friday all of us here at the Streets went to a Pat Green concert for some real Texas Culture. For those of you unfamiliar with Pat Green, he's a country artist who has developed a big cult following by playing the Texas college scene. There was a dance floor, BYO food and hard alcohol, and plenty of songs about Texas. This event reminded me more of my college days than anything else I've experienced in Laredo. Perhaps some of my fellow bloggers can offer the non-Texan perspective on this.

The bring your own food and hard alcohol was a new one for me, though. The people at the table next to us had a sandwich tray and a vegetable tray. JC and I made a run to the liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey, because drinking really is a fundamental part of the Pat Green experience. Good times were had by all.

Pecans!

2007-11-28T08:37:00.000-08:00

Though it had an air of carpetbaggery when "Fresh Pecan" signs started randomly showing up at gas stations around Laredo, it is in fact pecan season in South Texas.

Bet you didn't even know South Texas had a pecan season! And guess what else grows here! Nothing.

I bought these from a roadside vendor in Dimmit County (Pop. 10,248) right across the street from the trees that birthed them (the nuts, not the vendor). The vendor, who had several gold teeth, an eyepatch and a 'U.S. Marines' trucker hat, patiently explained that to properly shell pecans, you either need to obtain "a big machine" or "a couple Mexicans," and in his words, "Boom! Boom! Boom!" (not sure what he meant, but he thrust his fist when he said it).

He bemoaned how so many of his pecans had rotted from the intense rain earlier in the year. We offered him a tax break to donate the less-than-perfect nuts to the Food Bank, but he waved a giant wad of cash and proclaimed "I don't need a tax break!" Instead, he said, he plans on selling the rotten ones to Mexico.

Monterrey II

2007-11-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

Alex and I decided to use the long weekend to slip away from all the bustle and commotion of Laredo (stop laughing) and attempt to re-tackle the even-less-tranquil city of Monterrey.

Brief notes:

Either I've lost my NY traffic chops, or Mexican drivers just don't respond to the Evil Eye.
However, traffic has met its match in the Rambling Virgin Parade.
Reality TV has invaded Mexico, forcing innocent turistas to drink free tequila and watch their crappy version of "Making the Band."
Really, anyone can be a luchador (Mexican wrestler).

I think that's enough Monterrey for a while. Even at 11 to the dollar, I'm starting to run short on pesos.

Cranberry salsa, maybe?

2007-11-21T06:49:00.000-08:00

As Alex and I contemplate what Thanksgiving dinner for two on the border looks like, I'm forced to recall all the weird Tex-Mex food I've eaten in the past month:

The Fried Hamburguesa: Why Tex? It's made from a cow (probably) and sold at gas stations. Why Mex? It's fried, baby, bun and all.

The Chicken Fried Steak at El Paraiso in Zapata ("The Restaurant That Made Zapata Famous"): Why Tex? Looking at it gives you a little heart attack. Why Mex? If you manage to finish the fried steak, fish a little deeper into the gravy beneath, and surprise! An enchilada surfaces.

Thanksgiving luncheon at work: Why Tex? Turkey and stuffing, as the founding fathers intended. Why Mex? The turkey was sliced thin, then used to roll up the stuffing like a breakfast taco! I wish I had a picture of this.

Any suggestions for our border repast?

Empty Streets: We're Getting Our Puente On

2007-11-21T06:07:00.001-08:00

Man, it took all of 5 minutes to get to work today. This place is empty! All the schools are out and apparently nobody feels much urge to work. Including this blogger.

CQ informs me that in Mexico there's a term called "el Puente." As our informed readers know, it literally means 'bridge,' but figuratively, it's taking off a day or two extra when a holiday falls mid-week. As the joke goes, we must have some great engineers around here since it seems that all of Laredo is building a Puente.

On Monday evening the place was gridlocked, and I-35 backed up for miles, as everyone was looking for a shortcut to get to the other "Puente," the one that takes you over the river. So I'm hoping for smooth sailing as I head the other way, building a mini-puente when I take the afternoon off and drive towards Anglo-Texas.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

Now you see it...

2007-11-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

Not to steal JC's thunder, but I wanted to note that the flag is gone. Some time yesterday, a flag that must weigh several hundred pounds and could cover Yankee Stadium up and disappeared. Where did it go??? Is this a prank? Or is there some grand conspiracy?! I'll get to the bottom of this thing sooner or later.

UPDATE 11/21/07: It's back up. This sequence of events sets my mind racing through all kinds of possibilities. Maybe the guy who hoists the flag reads Streets and is trying to communicate something to us! This is starting to get interesting...

"Lots of Hunger"

2007-11-19T12:25:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

Sorry for not being around much the last couple weeks; that'll change pretty soon. I've been working, you know.

Yawning, bleary-eyed,
jc

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

2007-11-18T15:26:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, a group of seven fabulous young adults decided to indulge in the palatable discernment of a tequila-tasting session. There are over 400 different tequilas manufactured in Mexico, but on this occasion, we decided to review only seven of them. The tequila was accompanied by “sangrita,” which in Mexico is the ubiquitous chaser for a sipping session of the golden elixir. It consists of Clamato or tomato juice, fresh lime juice, Tabasco sauce, Worcestershire sauce, Maggie sauce, and yes, a splash of orange juice.

The seven of us sat down around the table at Chez Callagy’s, and after indulging in a succulent dinner to avoid hitting the flo' later that evening, we proceeded to taste...one, by one. Cowboy hats on, and notepads handy, we recorded our observations diligently as flavors burst with every sip. I, for one, would take a sip, peer into the horizon, and to preserve the purity of my experience, immediately wrote down the first words that came into my mind—succulent, yes, interesting, hmmm, fiery, smokey, mas... JC, on the other hand, proceeded to draw little animals representing his encounter with every different tequila—little raccoons, sharks, snakes, etc. Soon we broke out in song and dance, and Callagy made quesadillas as fast as a cowboy draws his pistol in a precarious situation.

Some readers may wonder if there was a winner. Corzo was high on my list, but Tres Generaciones has always been a CQ favorite. For those of you who hate tequila, I invite you to reconsider if you have only had Jose Cuervo. Venture out, splurge—you will be pleasantly surprised. And with a little sangrita on the side, I guarantee that you and your taste buds will have a fabulous experience. Tequila!!

Los TRES abogados

2007-11-17T10:00:00.001-08:00

Callagy, indeed we have. Congrats! And may I add that Karlito also kicked its butt to the curve. May we indulge in tequila and Kobe beef!!

Los Dos Abogados

2007-11-17T06:35:00.001-08:00

Congrats to cq & yours truly: we have passed the Cal. bar! Also, congrats to co-bloggers & colleagues who recently rocked the Texas bar. Laredo may be in the Farm League, but our sluggers are batting 1.000. Raise the caballitos of tequila anejo!

Sametime Thoughts, By CQ

2007-11-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

The sun is shining outside, gently stroking the trees and part of the building across the street as it begins its departure once again. Two birds are frolicking happily into the sky, mocking gravity. The sky is blue, except for a jet stream cloud, slicing the open space in two. And there is but one cloud, that appears to have been drawn with the stroke of a brush. At a distance, on the horizon, sits a film of pollution, barely visible, but clearly present. And in the middle, the golden arches of McDonalds stand tall, reminding us that a Big Mac is never too far away...

La Bandera Gigante

2007-11-07T14:35:00.000-08:00

The first time I drove to Laredo, I came early in the morning from the East, on US-59. I knew the town was getting close when I saw something clearly man-made sticking out over the horizon. A building? A statue? No! A big-ass Mexican flag.

The flag sits 'al otro lado' of the Rio Grande, but towers over Los Dos Laredos. The photo was taken from work, approximately 1 mile from the flag pole. To the left is the comparatively puny San Agustin cathedral, which was the tallest building in Laredo for a century. To the lower right is an American flag. Bet you didn't see it at first, huh? That's because it's not a zillion square feet.

Strangely, the flag was not up for the first two months I was here. A few weeks ago, it re-emerged. Was it being repaired? Cleaned? Used to cover a circus tent for Expo-Mex? Nobody knows.

There are some nice things about having the flag there. Now, if you get lost, you always know which way is South. Also, Laredo is considering building another bridge over the river. If that pole ever came down, voila! There's your bridge.

Frito Pie!

2007-11-06T14:12:00.000-08:00

This week's posts brought to you by Frito Pie! Yes, Frito Pie, most delicious junk food amalgam conceived by Man. Chili plus Fritos! Frito Pie! Frito Pie! (best read aloud in a cave, a la Spatula City)

Day of the Dead III: The Sugar Skull

2007-11-05T15:27:00.001-08:00

As part of a deliberate plot to consistently underwhelm us, Laredo again failed to live up to its own hype at Saturday's Day of the Dead festival downtown. Yes, there was a mariachi band, and tacos. No, no one dressed like a skeleton.

However! We did get to make our own sugar skulls, as demonstrated above. How do you make a sugar skull? 1) Get some sugar, some flour and some meringue powder. 2) Buy a sugar skull mold. 3) Let rip with your wildest creative vision (involving pastry icing). 4) Behold the totally fun, yet basically inedible results.

We also got to check out some arty altares (altars to dead family members, pets, robots, whatever), and some crazy chalk artwork by local youths. My favorite is Hello Kitty...DE MUERTE.

All of which I guess is more creative than I would have thought possible here. Maybe this town needs a new slogan.

"Laredo: Cooler than you thought. But not by much."

Day of the Dead II: The Cryer

2007-11-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

As it turns out, Dia de los Muertos is actually two days - or in the case of Laredo, three. Day One (Nov. 1) is Dia de Todos los Santos, when the gates of heaven are propped open and all the dead babies fly down to earth to rejoin their families. A little cute, a little creepy.

Day Two (today) is the official Dia de los Muertos, when families have picnics on their relatives' graves and adult ghosts get to join the party. Day Three is when Laredo gets down - probably because this year it's on a Saturday, and what's more fun than dressing up as a skeleton on Saturday? Much more fun than Friday.

Since today is adult ghost day, I'm reminded of the only exceptionally scary story I've heard since we moved here - La Llorona, "The Cryer."

According to my coworkers, La Llorona is a woman dressed in white who went crazy and drowned her children in the Rio Grande (about 100 feet from where I'm sitting). She immediately regretted her act, and drowned herself. Now her ghost wanders the riverbank crying for her children - and that insane cry is one sound you never want to hear.

Some internettery reveals that the Laredo Cryer is the local version of a really archetypal Mexican story subject to numerous Weird N.J.-style tellings. Some of these stories date back to Aztec times, if you believe someone trying to make a buck off it. Creepy stuff by Laredo standards.

(p.s. expect more Muerto from Alex this weekend)

Day of the Dead (not the movie)

2007-11-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

Laredo must have read my last post, as the weather here took a turn for the spooky in the last 48 hours. Fog everywhere - rolling fog covering the highway, wispy fog lingering over the strip malls, suffocating fog making Mexico seem even more unreal. Of course it all burns off by noon, but for a few hours each day I can pretend it's Autumn.

Alex and I received a grand total of five trick-o'-treaters last night, despite (or maybe due to) our covering the apartment in cobwebs and spiders and spooky noises. We expected a lot more after hearing stories about hordes of Mexican children coming over the border to raid the rich neighborhoods, which in hindsight sounds like a Halloween-lite version of the standard "illegals sucking us dry" myth. My dad scoffed at our valiant efforts, observing that of course careful parents wouldn't let their kids anywhere near us "renters."

On the plus side, we did get to engage in some rich-person party action last weekend (Alex=dead cat, jamie=devil, jc=dead HEB employee). And in the next two days, we might make up for our Halloween shortfall with some Day of the Dead celebration, hopefully involving pan de muerto.

Stetson hats and cowboy boots...oh my!

2007-10-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

I have decided to end my stint as a delinquent blogger and finally return to the Streets of Laredo to continue shedding some light on our life on the border. Truth is, I got a new car, left town for a convention in San Antonio, and then escaped to the wilderness (see pictures for more detail).
It all started a little over a month ago when we visited Kelly's Western Wear and stocked up on Texan garb. As soon as I put on those fiery red boots I saw everything in a different light. My partners in crime seemed unaffected by their new costumes but I seem to have fallen in a downward spiral towards je ne sais quoi. Then last week I visited Houston and got plagued by what I like to call "the Houston curse." More on that later, but for now all I have to say is that I am never going back there again. But alas, I have returned to my senses so here I am, blogging away once again...

La Hora Exacta

2007-10-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned, many of the radio stations we get here in Laredo are broadcast in Nuevo Laredo, including the populist air-bag morning show hosted by Jay St. John (who can't even say XHLK, the station's call letters, in Spanish).

An integral part of Mexican radio is to tell you the time every few minutes. And as an additional bonus, they tell you "la hora exacta." You hear the following: "RadioVida te da la hora exacta. Son las tres, con cuarenta y cinco minutos." Good to know that Mexican timekeeping technology has saved us from imprecise readings.

One might infer from this practice that they just switched over from using hourglasses to pendulum-driven chronometers. Only radio stations can afford this precious innovation, but they have magnanimously decided to share it with the masses. Or you might think that everyone in Mexico owns a radio, but nobody owns a watch. I find the whole timekeeping thing amusing, especially given the Latin-American proclivity to NEVER BE ON TIME. I assure you, Laredo is not in the least Teutonic in its attention to punctuality.

I have to say that my Spanish comprehension is getting better from hearing this and a hundred other basic things repeated often in day-to-day life. So it's good in a way. Also, I see that my Spanish textbooks were full of crap when they told me that in Spanish speaking countries, after the half-hour, you subtract minutes from the next hour. E.g. "four minus ten." Wrong: they actually just say "three fifty."

This became a slight problem yesterday, when Mexico ended daylight savings. Suddenly "la hora exacta" is wrong by an entire hour! Dios mio. For the next week I'm going to have to add an hour to everything they say. I guess I'll have to start thinking of that as the "freedom hour." USA! USA! USA!

To vivisect or not to vivisect?

2007-10-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

Laredo doesn't get very outwardly Halloweenie (a strip mall baking in 85-degree heat just doesn't vibe fear, unless you forgot sunblock). But I did have a semi-creepy experience the other night as I attempted to convince myself to pay several thousand dollars for nonessential surgery.

I sat with about thirty other Laredoans in a typically non-spooky parking lot as a very unintimidating Dr. Shah soothed our fears about the possibility of his shooting lasers into our eyes. The non-mad doctor then scared the crap out of us by shooting said lasers at a local radio host right in front of our collectively poor eyesight.

The operation was performed in another room, but displayed to the squirming crowd via HDvideo connection from a camera mounted on the tip of the laser. This produced the existentially unsettling effect of being part of a crowd of faulty eyeballs staring through an electronic eye at another faulty eyeball being dismantled as it stared at us! Talk about the abyss staring back- it was kind of like watching a horror move, and kind of like being part of one (maybe Scanners?).

It could be I'm just trying to scare myself, as 'tis the season. But when the good Dr. Shah started explaining how he could make one of my eyes see far and one close (for patients with bifocal needs), I got out of there. Exactly where are the goalposts for defining mad science?

Postscript: As soon as I convince myself I have the dough, I'm totally getting lasered.

I met the Mayor of Laredo!

2007-10-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post about this for a few days. Last week I was eating lunch with my co-workers at the Rialto Hotel downtown and found myself shaking hands with the one and only...Raul G. Salinas, Mayor of Laredo! Turns out, one of my co-workers had worked with him at some point in her career. I swear, everybody knows everybody in this town. And the cafe at the Rialto is nothing special, either. It's acutally called the San Bernardo Party House, although it is neither on San Bernardo Ave., nor a party house. They have a handful of tables, pretty cheap lunch specials and capuccino. Well, ok, I guess that does make them kind of special in Laredo.

Anyway, so Mayor Salinas is shaking everyone's hand at the table (there were only 4 of us), and when he came to me, I was trying hard to think of something interesting to say. Here I was, in my first one-on-one encounter with a person who has some actual political might! But before I could ask him about the border fence lawsuit that he and a few other Texas border mayors are threatening to file against the federal government, he beat me to the punch, pointed to my plate and asked me, "You gonna eat those chips?" We all chuckled, he went off to sit with his table, and I couldn't help but wonder: What kind of small talk Michael Bloomberg does make?

My little friend

2007-10-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Today I went jogging at 6:30 am. To those of you who think it never gets cold in Laredo (and I was recently among you), I can announce that Fall is here. It was about 45 degrees, and completely dark. I set out, shivering, unable to believe it had been 95 degrees just thirty-six hours earlier.

I started out on the two-mile loop I do in the mornings. As I jogged down a dark residential street, a dog came running towards me. I am not usually afraid of dogs, but this one was big, and it didn't make a noise--and somehow, a dog that doesn't bark makes me nervous.

I should explain that there are lots of dogs in Laredo. People here seem to like the following qualities in their dogs: (1) small, (2) nervous, (3) ugly, and (4) loud. This dog was big, very friendly, handsome, and he didn't make a sound. He looked like a mix between a yellow lab and something else, and he was probably between 6 months and 2 years old, judging by his puppy-like demeanor. Clearly, he had been taken good care of because he was healthy and well-fed, but not fat.

Once it was clear that the dog would not bite me, I said hello. I noticed he had no collar. I told him to go home and started jogging again. He followed me. I reached the end of the street, and he was still with me. I told him to go home, and he wagged his tail. I yelled, and he tried to lick my hand. A man getting into his truck asked me if it was my dog. He said it had been hanging around since the previous evening.

I kept jogging, and the dog followed me. At one point, he stopped to poop, and I broke into a dead sprint. I turned right, and right again, then slowed down, thinking I'd lost him. Two minutes later he found me.

He followed me to my doorstep. I left him out there, and decided that if he hung around, I'd have to put up some 'Found' signs in the neighborhood. I figured I could put him in the side yard for the day, since my street has so much traffic, and he didn't seem to realize that cars are dangerous (my street is busy, and a pedestrian was hit by a car just a week ago).

I drank some coffee and opened the front door again. He was sitting on the step looking in. He started to wag his tail. I closed the door and stuck a turkey-pot pie in the microwave. My former roommate left several of these behind when he went back home to Oklahoma. When the pot pie was done, I brought it to the door, but the dog was gone. He must have followed someone else off somewhere.

I got ready for work and left about 45 minutes later. No sign of the dog around my apartment complex. I'll admit I was a bit sad. I threw the pot pie away.

Craig Murphey

2007-10-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

RIP Craig Murphey, 1981-2007. Anti-hunger advocate and friend. (details)

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...

2007-10-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

As repeatedly noted, Laredo is a car culture. So in a feeble, consumerist attempt to offset all the carbon we've been spewing into the Texas air from the tailpipe of our elderly Volvo, Alex and I recently decided to:

Buy those compact florescent bulbs that an unshaven Al Gore advertises late at night on QVC (not true, but a good image).
Purchase wind energy.

While the bulbs are probably a good idea, the wind energy has just given me license to leave the refrigerator door open. When Alex asks me to close it, I say "But it's wiiind energy" and make a blowing noise.

However, on a recent jaunt around the campus of the local community college, we discovered an unnerving fact: we are stealing Mexico's wind.

It's pretty weird to find a wind farm in Texas period, but one twenty yards from the border? Turns out there's a story (like everything else in Laredo) involving an experimental farm and a bunch of Israeli scientists.

Apparently they (the Israelis) came here in the 1980s as part of the Texas-Israeli Exchange Program. Given its incongruity with Laredo history, I can only assume this was some pork barrel maneuver designed to thwart communism.

In addition to teaching all the unenlightened vaqueros about the value of crop diversification, the scientists built these intimidating windmills. Henceforth, the vaqueros harnessed the winds of the llano to power their irrigation systems, tequila stills, and robotic sharks programmed to attack Palestinians and/or migrant workers. At least that's what I assume.

Border Cinema (or, Tommy Lee Jones = Auténtico)

2007-10-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

Like Callagy, Alex and I have been slightly desperate for / forgiving of culture down here. But instead of running for Austin, we've mustered an ongoing Netflix festival in our living room focused on US-Mexican border relations. The results have been...pretty disappointing.

Lone Star - Our first entry, which we shared with the rest of the Streets crew, features a super-young Matthew McConaughey playing the father of a super-old Chris Cooper. And not much else. The plot is as meandering as the Rio Grande, and makes you feel in the end like you ate one of John Sayles' artfully-filmed cacti. Spoiler alert! He's totally sleeping with his sister. There - now you don't have to watch it.
The 3 Burials of Melquiades Estrada - Tommy Lee Jones really wants you to know that he can speak Spanish. Really. Also, he loves vaqueros. This movie is similar to Lone Star, in that you feel as if you're being blinded by the Texas sun, stumbling around in an arid, plotless desert.
Any suggestions? These first two left the taste of bad nopalito in our mouths. Without guidance, we may be forced to watch Harvey Keitel expose himself (again) in The Border.

Einstein on the Rio Grande

2007-10-12T13:00:00.001-07:00

I went to a lecture yesterday at Texas A&M Int'l University given by Dr. Alan Lightman. He is a professor of physics and humanities (yes, that is correct) at MIT. He spoke about the life of Einstein and the basics of the theory of relativity.

I wanted to go because years ago I read Lightman's book "Einstein's Dreams." It is a book of fictional vignettes of worlds in which the laws of physics are different or people do strange things which illustrate basic principles of relativity. At least that is what I recall from reading it in high school, when I admittedly understood these things better. I also recall how angry some people were with me when I told my English teacher about the book and she had some of her classes read excerpts. Oh well.

The lecture was engaging. There was a nice mix of biography and science, and a charmingly low-tech power point presentation. It was a relief to hear that there are constants in the universe, i.e. the speed of light, which you begin to doubt when you've been puzzling over habeas corpus issues all day.

In my previous student life, there were events like this all the time--important people coming to talk about this and that. But I rarely went to those things (unless I was helping to organize them). Somehow living a few hundred miles south of the middle of nowhere makes you inclined to grab whatever culture or learning stumbles your way.

Machine Town

2007-10-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

So it turns out I'm not the first J.C. to stake a claim in Laredo, nor the first to make the trek from the cold Nor'east in search of wealth and power. And they were both mayor!

I've been delving into Laredo politics for the advocacy piece of my job, only to discover that Laredo was (or is, depending who you ask) a Democratic Machine town with a history of corruption and mismanagement. This news is dear to my Chicago heart.

One of the original architects of Laredo's current situation was Mayor J.C. "Pepe" Martin (1954-77), who apparently became quite wealthy while in office. Gossip claims J.C. had a tunnel built between his house and City Hall, so he could "count votes" during close elections. Today, the Martin family is one of a handful of Laredo families who apparently own all the land around here (see consequences).

J.C. was succeeded by East Coaster Aldo Tatangelo (1978-1990, see photo), whom my coworkers remember as a colorful guy with a terrible Rhode Island accent (he was always talking about "da yoots") and a penchant for embarrassing public comments. Once, when dedicating City ground for a mental hospital, he was quoted as saying "Isn't it wonderful that we finally have a place for da retards to go?" On another occasion he commented on ongoing City budget negotiations, saying "We don't want to screw da girl scouts."

What are the chances for JC "Pepe" Dwyer in '08?

Internet at work!

2007-10-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

Internet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Autmusfest

2007-10-07T14:00:00.001-07:00

JC and I got this little souvenier from a Miller Lite Girl in a tubetop at Autmusfest this weekend. What is Autmusfest? An annual day-long music festival at TAMIU, the only university in town, and an international one at that! The line-up was hot, and so was the weather. My personal "hot" highlights:

The Flamin' Hellcats from Houston
Red hot cheetos covered in nacho cheese (which, honestly, I couldn't finish)
The L.A. Guns' homage to AC/DC (so much better than their own songs)
The ant bites I got from wearing flip flops

Didn't make the cut: A Flock of Seagulls' "new material."

El Correo

2007-10-05T05:45:00.001-07:00

Seen at San Bernardo & Park St. Is this why I'm having trouble getting my mail?

Tooting My Tin Horn

2007-10-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

Friends know that I have a compulsion to create absurd lists of goals. When I turned 28, I made a list of 28 things to accomplish, 9 of which got done (I was sadly unable to enjoy bananas, practice tarot or learn to appreciate Boston). For a while now I've had a short list for Laredo, one item on which is to get my name or my work into the local newspaper three times. Seems like it won't be too difficult, but if time runs short, I am prepared to break the law.

Monterrey!

2007-10-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the first time I had ever walked across a border, and it definitely gave me pause to think about the point of what is literally a line of cheap paint on the ground.

Skipping Narco Laredo, Alex, myself, Callagy and jamie opted to bus on down to Monterrey, which allowed us to enjoy natural scenery (hills! cacti!) and Garfield Dos, which in Spanish is actually a trenchant meditation on colonialism and lasagna.

Monterrey is the art and commerce capital of the North, and so is laden with plenty of tourist-friendly spectacle. We walked around the aptly named Macro Plaza (featuring the world's largest orange concrete credit card) and the Zona Rosa shopping district. We visited the world-class Marco Art Museum, which is currently displaying more work by the Mexican artist Julio Galan than you can shake a stick at (which, incidentally, is more Julio Galan than you would ever want to shake a stick at). We also took in the Cintermex complex, which is like a giant version of Seattle's Gasworks park, and features all sorts of bizarro epic art (also see video).

We paid too much, we paid too little, we paid in money that is no longer valid (?), we drank tequila and sang Mana- pretty much everything you'd expect of a group of turistas. Oh - and I finally got to try some of that succulent cabrito.

Parrot Hill (1st in a series)

2007-09-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

Laredo isn't a very picturesque town (rough breakdown: 20% ghetto, 10% country club, 20% sprawl, 50% strip mall). Laredoans must feel an itch to beautify their city, as there is an impressive density of quirky signage, colorful paint-jobs and (probably unsanctioned) public art here if you poke around.

Case in point, Parrot Hill. I found this spot when lost (a common occurrence) not a day after gaping at a flock of wild parrots nesting in a warehouse downtown, and just a few days after the death of a famous bird. An omen? APA-certified friends encouraged to chime in with my diagnosis.

Heart Attack Man

2007-09-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

This week's posts brought to you by the 32-oz horchata available at Mariachi Express (specializing in speedy tacos, not mustachioed brass ensembles). The only choice for pre-diabetics across the Rio Grande Valley!

Road Trip: Corpus Christi & Padre Island Nat'l Seashore

2007-09-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

Here's what I did last weekend:

South Texas landscape through a dirty windshield. Greener than you'd think, huh?

Corpus Christi: viva Selena! (sorry, too dumb to figure out how to rotate the image)

Laguna Madre. I took a windsurfing lesson here.

On the beach at Padre Island. Yes, you can drive on the beach in this national park.

Parting shot: out of the Gulf, time for a beer.

Sprawl (& Scandal?)

2007-09-22T11:45:00.000-07:00

Like its namesake, Streets of Laredo is developing sprawl!

A big welcome to two more bloggers from Alex's workplace, Callagy and jamie, both in Laredo for one year and raring to express their own snarky, yet pithy observations on Tex-Mexicanity. We appear to have found a market niche.

All this postage begs the question: where are these Streets headed? Unlike the city of Laredo, I'd like to have a semblance of central planning. So we ask you faithful readers - what do you want to hear about?

We've had one strong call for more tabloid-level scandal (what, crashing the Mexican consulate's "Grito" party wasn't badass enough?). Any other suggestions? Alternately, you can always just hit Ctrl-f to look for your favorite blogger's posts.

Mexican License Plate Bingo

2007-09-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

As a kid, I drove my family crazy on road trips by announcing cars with license plates from states we weren't driving through at the moment. I usually then punched my brother.

My brother's now 2,000 miles away, but I haven't lost the plate-spotting habit. In Laredo, however, we're very far from any other U.S. state, but oh so close to Mexico. So guess what I've been doing while driving around during the last month?

Pause here for a brief geography lesson: there are 31 states and a Federal District in Mexico. Across the border is Tamaulipas; just beyond it is Nuevo Leon. You see these plates a million times a day. Slightly less common, but not rare, is the state of Coahuila--which, once upon a time, Texas was part of. After that, things get interesting and the plates get rare.

I've now spotted plates from:

Aguascalientes (I love that name)
Baja California Norte
Chihuahua
Guanajuato
Jalisco
Mexico (Distrito Federal)
Mexico (Estado)
Michoacan
San Luis Potosi
Veracruz
Zacatecas

That's about 1/3 of Mexico. I've discovered that the best place for plate-hunting is the Wal-Mart parking lot on a Saturday. I'll update occassionally once I collect a few more.

Me & My Country

2007-09-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

Country music is infiltrating my brain. I don't really want to listen, but like CQ, it somehow found its way onto the #3 button on my car radio. Unfortunately, my other morning options are limited to:

Jay St. John, Laredo's answer to Don Imus (was there a question?), whom I recently heard claim that people like Falcon's QB Michael Vick are "the reason the N-word still exists." When not perpetuating racism, Jay loves to talk about "tax abatement."
The Workz, which one of my coworkers told me is a new rock station for the kids. I didn't realize the kids listen to so much Linda Ronstadt.
Five different Norteno stations. I like blazing tuba action as much as the next guy, but in the morning?

So my only option is Big Buck Country. I was never a real country fan beyond Johnny Cash and Loretta Lynn, but can someone tell me why today's country music sounds so...defensive? Every song seems to fit two models: a) nostalgic ("Weren't everything cool, when people prayed in school, and we could lynch a dude...") or b) proud ("I know you live in a trailer and your husband lost his job, but all you've got to do is live, and laugh, and let God").

Maybe history has been hipsterized, but didn't older country seem a little more cynical, and therefore more legitimate? American Studies Ph.Ds encouraged to chime in here.

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

2007-09-18T18:03:00.001-07:00

Despite the fact that I have been the victim of numerous "big Texas hair" sightings in the past few weeks, I have decided to get a haircut tomorrow afternoon. In a southern Texas town where I have no idea of a decent place to go, choosing a random salon from the yellow pages could be considered crazy. I like to think of it more like a little adventure, or rather, a monumental step in my adaptation to Laredoean living. After all, I have increasingly found myself tuning to the local country radio station while driving to and from work each day. In fact, I must admit that I have programmed it as number 5 in my car radio. If country music no longer gives me feelings of anxiety and irritation, perhaps a new hairstyle won't be so bad after all. All I can do is hope for the best. Besides, with an open mind, there is not much that can go wrong. In any event, just keep your fingers crossed.

Chillveza Time

2007-09-18T07:37:00.001-07:00

This week's posts are brought to you by the one-and-only taste of Miller's "Chillveza," a chelada-style beer loaded with artificial lime and salt flavoring. Delicious? Disgusting? Yes!

Just a few more pictures from El Grito...

2007-09-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing quite like standing in a public square in Texas, surrounded by 5,000 people shouting "Viva Mexico!" Here's some more pics, and a movie of the "Grito" laugh contest:

Giddy-up!

2007-09-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

Here are some more pictures from the charreada (Mexican rodeo). We only stayed for the warm-up acts, which included these two tricks, "dead horse" and "hot-stepper". Charreadas actually predate American rodeos, and Charreria (the sport itself) was named the National Sport of Mexico in 1933.
The whole event had a sad note, though. It was co-sponsored by an organization called Laredo's Missing, which was formed by family members of Americans who have been kidnapped in the Laredo-Nuevo Laredo region over the past few years. A joint kidnapping task force was created last year to coordinate U.S. and Mexican law enforcement efforts to address the 40+ unresolved abductions, but families continue to express frustration at both government's responses.

Rodeo Attire

2007-09-16T14:18:00.001-07:00

Per your request, here is a picture of us in rodeo attire. It may be a bit difficult to see us among the crowd but there we are, cowboy hats and all. Yee-haw!

Viva Mexico!!

2007-09-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

As the most recent contributor to this blog, I must assure our readers that I am not crashing the Streets of Laredo but I do, in fact, know Alex and JC. Not only that, but I, like them, have embarked on this adventure to figure out exactly what this place is all about. Last night was particularly insightful. After attending Laredo’s second annual Charreada y Jaripeo Festival (akin to a rodeo), we ventured to Plaza San Agustin where the locals gathered to celebrate Mexican Independence Day. Numerous Americans hold the mistaken belief that “the” Mexican holiday is Cinco de Mayo when in fact September 16 is the mother of all celebrations. So, we headed downtown and, in defiance of all social Laredoean conventions, we made our way into the Mexican Consulate’s exclusive and elegant party sporting our rodeo attire. Our intent was not to insult or disregard the protocol of the festivities, but rather to introduce ourselves in our usual garb. We wanted to show the consul who we really were—no games, no masks, just us. After a few stare-downs, uncomfortable silences, and a few churros, we decided to leave for some less turbulent waters: the hotel bar. Several margaritas later, we went outside to hear the consul himself deliver the traditional “Grito” from the balcony, whereby he yells the phrase “Viva Mexico” three times while waving the Mexican flag in the air.
It dawned on me then and there that after having lived in Mexico for thirteen years and being a Mexican for much longer than that, I never celebrated the “Grito” live. So, here I was, discovering not only the inner workings of Laredoan high society from its core, but also learning that after all these years, seeing so many of my people united on this side of the border, proclaiming the hope of Mexico ever lasting while saluting the flag, could bring chills to my body, goose bumps to my skin, and a new-found pride of my presence in this place.

Welcome CQ!

2007-09-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

A warm Straats der Laredo welcome to the newest addition to our blogging family, CQ. CQ is also a Laredo newbie, and working with Alex. Any more detail than that, she will have to provide...

We Got Stuff!

2007-09-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

Speaking of housing - after three and a half weeks of waiting, our furniture finally arrived! Nothing like sleeping on a creaky futon in a big, echo-y apartment to give you existential dread. Here's how things are shaping up:

Our front/dining room & kitchen.

Our living room, slightly unfurnished.

The other rooms aren't fit for viewing yet, but we'll post when they are. For now you can just cower in awe of our square footage...

Poverty & Poolhalls

2007-09-13T08:15:00.001-07:00

As most of you kind readers know, I make my living trying to generate opportunity for less fortunate Americans. Case in point, Laredo seems to be the kind of place where you're either really rich, or really not.

4,000 truckers come over the border here every day, paying tariffs, sleeping in hotels, drinking cerveza, shooting pool at Hustler's Billiards. Where does all the money go? No one's given me a straight answer, but it might have something to do with the fact that all the land in Laredo is owned by four or five families. More on that later.

At the same time, the trouble in Nuevo Laredo has generated a boom here. Going over the bridge for dinner isn't so appealing when you might get...a lead salad (trademark)!

So is it getting better or worse? Apparently the local economy is up. Yet when people are rioting for housing, you know the situation is a bit dire.

Jesus on a Wafer

2007-09-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

I was raised Catholic, which I sometimes think more than anything helps me identify with my Jewish friends (the guilt, the mothers, the overeating, the occasional stifling ritual). It also sets me apart from the more evangelically inclined - most of the time.

Laredo is a Mexican town in America. In this context, this means that Laredo is a seriously Catholic burg. Saint Patrick's is apparently where all the well-heeled Laredoans celebrate, and now the Catholic evangelicals (Charismatics in Catholicese) have a place too - the Laredo Medical Center chapel, where Jesus recently made an impromptu appearance.

And that's not even the craziest of crazies - that would have to be Santa Muerte. The patron saint of desperation, she bears a...passing resemblance to the virgin. The difference being that you get the Virgin tattooed on your arm to express your faith, and Santa Muerte tattooed on your arm to ward off bullets. There's even a shrine to her near the International Pedestrian Bridge where the cartels like to send their rivals a message. No word yet on whether we'll be crossing that bridge in the near future.

"Don't Worry, They Only Shoot Each Other"

2007-09-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

What's more Tex-Mex than drive-through breakfast tacos? Nicknaming your cartel assassin after Bart Simpson!

The drug war in Nuevo Laredo (and um, here) merits a longer post, but this AP article about a 17-yr-old Laredo hit "man" hired by one of the factions gives a good intro. The situation, briefly: NAFTA, cartel war, paramilitaries, the School of the Americas, kidnappings, imported firepower, mayhem, government response, relative quiet.

The article does a great job fear-mongering on this side of the river ("Now even hired assassins are coming over here illegally!"), but as far as I can tell there hasn't been a kidnapping or contract killing in Laredo in many months.

Does that sound cavalier? Sorry, can't let the AP win.

Where Have All the Cabra Gone?

2007-09-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

I was told we'd experience two things in Laredo: 1) hot, dry weather, and 2) goat tacos ("cabrito"). As in, stay out of #1 and eat lots of #2.

Well after two weeks of almost constant rain, the desert is looking pretty green. My coworkers accuse the gringo from New York of bringing bad weather (ironic, as it feels like my new title ought to be "rainmaker"). And I can't find any cabrito! I thought this was my fault too, but there turns out to be a better reason: chupacabra.

As reported by the AP, the hideous beasts have been driven from their dens by the rain, and are now sucking the blood of Texan chickens. My favorite bit is the local veterinarian (read: scientist) hesitating to confirm their vampiric heritage, instead conservatively stating that they must be some kind of mutant.